Check your ego at the door

We're all guilty on occasion of being a little self-absorbed. When someone is having a bad day, it is understandable that they may want to focus on themselves a bit in order to put themselves in a good mood. However, some people are in that mindset perpetually. Their drive in life is what can they do to make themselves better than they already feel, even if they feel like life can't really get much better. Such a drive can be beneficial because it can lead to a great accumulation of wealth and material goods. However, the real question is at what cost can such a drive be maintained? That's the tragedy of it all. Such a person risks alienating everyone because their mind is so "me, me, me" that there's no room for any thoughts about anyone else. Just look at Scrooge in "A Christmas Carol." He once had a fiancée, but he was so miserable with his lot in life at that moment in time that he lost her because he didn't give a damn about her. Last night I had a drink with a friend in a neighborhood that I am entirely unfamiliar with in a city that I was visiting for the third time in my life. He was in such a rush to get to leave and go home, only to get to bed even though he wasn't tired, that he failed to even ask if I was alright to get back to where I was staying on my own (this is the first trip that I've stayed at this location) or to wait until I was leaving (I hadn't even finished my drink) to at least point me in the right direction. It was as if he didn't care if I ended up being raped or wandering in the neighborhood of the bar until all hours, just so long as his wants were met. Treatment like that after I had essentially spent the evening, the last evening of my trip, trying to cheer him up because he was all doom and gloom about his future job prospects (which I understand because I've been feeling like that myself lately). Needless to say, friends like that aren't worth keeping around, especially when I've babysat him when he was drunk in a city that neither of us were entirely familiar with, making sure that he got back to his place in that city okay and whatnot. I am so glad that I'm not like that. Because if you have no friends since you've driven them all away with your miserable selfishness, how will you ever feel loved and who the hell will be there when you need help? You'll never be happy.

On another note, I hope this guy's offer is still good in 1.5 years: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/m4w/2070415887.html

Dating in the digital age...ooh la la!

When my father dated my mother, they relied on in-person interaction and telephone calls.

Living in the modern era, I can also use email, text, instant messaging, tweets, and webcams to keep a relationship going.

Even finding a guy has completely changed thanks to dating websites. No longer are we limited to just our city and contacts n other cities. Instead, I could go online and find someone in another continent to flirt with right now.

Whenever I lament the lack of datable specimen in the general area where I live and the difficulty I have in meeting someone who isn't a sleazebag and is available, I have one friend who will always tell me to go register for a dating website and find a nice guy to marry (not date, but marry...am I that old?) that way.

So guess what I did yesterday. Yes, I, Girl86, actually signed up for one with the intent on making a legitimate effort to breathe new life into my dead love life. Why? Yesterday, I came across a list of responses to the question "Why are you still single?" that relatives allegedly ask during the holidays. It made me realize that I haven't had a boyfriend since 2006 and how little time left I have to find a suitable mate if I want to get married and have 1-2 kids by the time I'm 30. My best friend's upcoming nuptials aren't helping either (she's getting married the day after Thanksgiving). She's my age, pregnant, and getting married to the love of her life. The situation makes me feel like I'm one chain-smoking habit away from being Bridget Jones.

I'm also suffering from slight baby envy (yes I'm fully aware of how old that makes me sound) because my aunt just gave birth to my newest cousin on Monday and, as previously mentioned, my best friend is pregnant. Therefore, I've been looking at a lot of baby stuff lately for baby shower gifts, giving baby name suggestions, and asking how the pregnancy/baby prep has been going. Obviously, I don't want to get pregnant until after I graduate, but it's made me realize how nice it'd be to start a family.

It's clear by now that Mr. Perfect won't just come waltzing up to me one day with an engagement ring in his pocket. Me joining a dating website is a way of giving Fate a little push to get the ball rolling so that I can stick to the timeline that I set out for myself when I was a teenager. Is that so very wrong?

Datable on Craigslist

My last post was sort of superwhiny and superbitchy, so to make up for it, I went through the NYC Craigslist and came up with a few posts that made me want to actually want to go on a date with the guys who posted them:

loving every minute... come have fun with me! - 25
A coffeehouse conversation with a friend recounting her adventures on the list of Craig inspired me to post something myself. I have posted here a while ago and have gone on disaster dates as well as awesome ones, and I am ready to spin the wheel of fortune again (god that crappy game show totally ruins that phrase now).

Me? I like to think of myself as sociable and outgoing, I would describe my personality as extremely open-minded, nonjudgmental, respectful, open to diversity, artsy and abstract, and sometimes bonafied smart ass. I am 6' 180 lbs athletic black male, who's educated.
You? I don't really want to set any physical criteria for the kind of woman I'd like to meet. I love the randomness of the people who reply on CL, but I'm only looking for one really great lover ... so make your replies good. lol And tell me about yourself.

I'd love the company of an intellectually stimulating sexual woman on a regular basic yet I'm not ready for a long term relationship. It is difficult when two people aren't on the same page. I hate one night stands as well. I do enjoy sharing certain experiences with a lover.... so I'd like to find a lover i could spend some time with on an ongoing basis. I believe that making some sort of connection while sleeping with a person is important?
Be in manhattan, brooklyn, or queens, and able to host because i won't.
Your picture will get you mine. If no pic is attached I won't even open your mail.
Also put "Reading is sexy" in the subject, so I know you read this entire post and you aren't spam

good guy for a good girl - 29
i wanna meet nice girl to hangout, friendship, relationship, and etc. I'm not looking to rush in to anything just mainly meet people and see what happens.

I'm a photographer. Work for some fashion magazines. Lived last years in many countries and now I live in New York.

I like surfing, ski, movies, music, photo. Some my hobbies turned in my professional occasion.

My english not the best and I improving it in the school.

I don't care about your culture, nation, race, color.

Pete

***Investment Banker Seeks A "Girl Next Door" Type To Date and Spoil** - 30
Good Evening Ladies,

How was your weekend?

Off the bat what would bring a gentleman like me to Craigs? Curiousity, just like when you were little when your mother told you to stay away from the fireplace you would walk closer till you could no longer stand the heat. In this case whats the worst that could happen?

A little about myself, I am a very positive person and rarely will you find me unhappy. More importantly, I love to have fun! I am a free spirit. Life is too short to be unhappy and I like to live my life to the fullest. I am intelligent, sophisticated. articulate, well versed in international affairs, have good looks and a great personality. I enjoy drinking white wine, Italian, Mexican, & Middle Eastern cuisine among others, and traveling. I run a private equity firm which focuses on the emerging markets specifically Asia and South America. I am well dressed, well groomed, physically fit and healthy. I am very ambitious, and have a successful career.

I am emotionally mature, honest, and have a great sense of humor. I love cracking jokes, laughing and making people laugh. I love my family and friends and enjoy spending time with them. I love watching college football and watching sporting events and outdoor activities. I'd like to meet someone who enjoys hole in wall restaurants as well as fine dining establishments. Someone who likes traveling to Monaco as well as a low-key weekend to Miami. In essence a lady who is versatile.

What I'm looking for: someone between the ages of 23-35, physically fit and healthy. In the past I have dated European, All-American, Spanish and Middle Eastern women so that would be my preference. Physical attraction is important but there has to be a connection and chemistry as well. Ideally you are full of energy, intelligent, honest, goal-oriented, have a good attitude and be open to new adventures. So I am looking to date, have fun, and meet people outside my own social circle.

Well if you are still reading, I am done for now! If I have piqued your interest feel free to send me a note. Tell me a little about yourself, hobbies, a photo and I will reciprocate. Ladies a picture is appreciated, I will certainly reciprocate with mine as well. I am a real gentleman if you can't tell already. One more thing, if you could put "Upper West Side" in the subject line that would appreciated so I know you are real.


Cheers

Somebody once asked me if I considered myself a hipster... - 22
and obviously if i am not a hipster i would say no, and if i was a hipster i would say no..... so clearly my answer was no.
(though i guess if i was a faux-hipster i would say yes perhaps? unclear, but that didn't happen anyway)

so i thought to myself, why would someone consider me a hipster? and on the flip side, why did it not happen all that often?

without further ado, i present to you two lists:

things about me that make people think i am a hipster:
i wear skinny jeans
my fantastic music collection
i like falafel
and liquor
and red stripe
i've worn wayfarers for a while now
canvas shoes - nuff said
plaid

things about me that make me NOT a hipster
i wear wayfarers
i am not (that) pretentious about my music
i actually go to art shows to see and enjoy the art
i don't live in brooklyn
or ride the L all the time
i know when to dress up, or dress down, or not dress like a fool
i can talk about things that your stereotypical hipster can't.

i'm a recent college grad, looking for someone intellectual and easy to talk to, and passionate (about something, anything). you would look good in a little black cocktail dress, and even better in jeans.

anyways, if you think we may be a match, shoot me an email. and enjoy the pic.

Check this out.... - 29
So here I am, back on CL.... I've been here before, and besides meeting a couple people that didn't lead anywhere, all I've found here is lots of spam in my mailbox, and frustration. Yet here I am again willing to give this another try....

In the past, I a came to the conclusion fairly quickly that life doesn't happen in front of your computer screen, it happens "out there"... in the real world.... However, in the real world in New York, we are all so busy... Caught up in the hustle & bustle, our routines, trying to make our dreams come true. Even when we try to make ourselves available, others are not necessarily available to meet us, or to get to know us.

As we grow older it becomes more frustrating... We evolve, and what we seek becomes narrowed down because we know what we want and what we don't. We know what is good for us and what isn't. But even when we decide to have open minds, to get rid of our prejudice and judgment of others, we still have to deal with other people's expectations... It is very tricky!!!

Meeting new people in this city is difficult enough as it is, so meeting someone you really like seems like something impossible at many times.

Of course there are the bars and the clubs, but if you are like me, you will know also that the chances of stumbling upon a rare treasure in these places are slim, and dedicating time to go out there just isn't worth it if you are busy and trying to make the most of your time....

So, although I don't have many expectations form Craigslist, I think that it might just be possible to meet someone who feels the same as me, who has more than a thing or two in common with me, and see where things go....


I am French/American, 29, grew up moving back and forth between both countries. I came to NY 4 years ago to pursue what I love, Music. During the daytime, I am blessed to be surrounded by inspiring children and teens, to whom I teach music.

I am not looking for anything specific. You can't seek a certain type of relationship. They just happen. However, I am obviously tired of meaningless flings that lead nowhere...

I am seeking someone who is driven by her goals or passion, and who would like to share a bit of her life with someone....
I won't get into details. I am open minded and seeking the same.....

If all this sounds very familiar to you, please drop a line and we can take it from there...

Thanx for reading.

▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP - 30
Soo Cold! Oh and .. I am also caring, passionate, creative, fun and down to earth.
I am driven, successful, and lucky to have achieved alot of my goals...

I work and have a great and fun corp career.
I'm also in Love with photography and what I can create with it..
I also am an ace bartender..ok not so much..

I love my bike and random rides through a new park and I love a good beach!

I feel lucky to have a good circle of friends, and family and I believe I am good to them.
I am a great listener, as well as a great motivator!
I love sitting for hours with a coffee, or a beer and talking until the wee hours of the morning!

When it comes to dating, I am kind of old fashioned.
I am skilled at opening your doors for you..clumsily sometimes but effective still. I Will send flowers .hah! and I will call..

Finding new friends are easy, finding new people to date, is also pretty easy...but Sometimes its difficult to find genuine people. If you feel you are a girl who likes to make time for people, someone ambitious, creative, adventurous... but above all else, caring. Say hi !

Well, I think that's about it....
ps...I love to dance and have fun...I hope you do too! Don't party poop on me and be up for hanging out..possibly this week..Deal?!

Looking for fellow b/tard to connect with - 20
Hey I want to meet someone with a similar sense of humor to mine so I figured I'd appeal to any b/tards who lurk on Craigslist. Just because I am looking for a b/tard that doesn't mean that is all that is going on in my life/ all I want to talk about/ all I enjoy. Whatever just keep reading.

Me: 5'11ish, Short Black hair and dark brown eyes. Average build, I do work out everday though, which I guess I am proud of. Basically I am a pretty laid back, abstract, easy going, artsy kind of guy with a great sense of humor. I'm a pretty big nerd, video games and films(especially cheesy horror films), although most people say they can't tell from looking at me. Some of my hobbies include drawing and singing(bad at it). I'm a full time student in college, and an Anthropology major, so I do love a good museum exhibit.

Some of my favorite musicians are the Killers, Mos Def, CYNE, Talib Kweli, The Dresden Dolls, and Jack Off Jill. I love a good Christopher Moore or Philip K. Dick book. I tend to make obscure popular culture references and my dream job is either a teacher or a real life version of a Scooby Doo villain(I think it would be great to be a Pirate Ghost and scare people away from a secret silver mine of something). I'm an Avid reader, especially of absurdist fiction and historical fiction. I like to take long walks, sometimes barefoot and sometimes in the rain(I really hate Umbrellas and shoes), through parks and sit around and make fun of people who pass by. I like to sit around and do crossword puzzles and generally just be laid back.

My ideal date would have to be either grabbing some food, hitting a few movies or a museum or just hanging out in the park for picnic date, although I always enjoy seeing a good play, love the theater. People watching is also one of my hobbies. I'm a big fan of cuddling(I love to cuddle-wrestle like in the Lion King) and romantic things. Generally I just like to have fun and explore. One of my favorite things is to just get lost and the city and find new places to eat and shop. Oh yea and if it means anything to you my favorite game is Super Smash Bros. Melee.

You (Ideally): Good sense of humor, not too tall, able to understand abstract comments and jokes, ability to juggle(Not required, but would be cool) and not after my Lucky Charms(I don't budge on this one). Looks aren't really that important, but I do have a thing for nerdy type girls, but again not necessary, preferably also a pirate. Not looking for meaningless sex or stuff like that because I'm not. But basically if any of what I said resonated with you feel free to send me a message.

Although good, this guy should have left off the fact that he's a trust-fund baby because all he'll get is golddiggers...
SO MANY PROSTITUTES, SO LITTLE IMAGINATION-THE SAD TRUTH - 29
Roses Roses I got Roses for you said the Craigslist Sugar Daddy.

Sorry but reading the ads on here is just sad.

Straight to the point. I am a genuine honest caring guy. I am fun. I love film. I love music. I love dining. I love getting my hands dirty collecting old rare vinyl. I love going to dingy DIY places to hear music as much as hearing it in Lincoln Center. I love seeing new films as well as old ones at the Film Forum. I love to eat somewhere fancy and nice as well as some low key funky hideaway that is more fun than expensive. Wine bars are superb but so is a hole in the wall bar with lots of different beer selections. I don't have a type at all. I have dated young girls as well as more mature ladies. There is magic in everyone.

And oh yes, I am snob free trust fund kid who does not need to spend his wealth to prove his worth but has no problem making a girl feel special and well taken care of. Only get in touch if you are ready to like me for who i am and not for what i can do for you. That is the bonus!


If you are interested in this exploration then contact me. I want to know about you. I want to know what you like. I want to see you.

And my favorite (partly because it made me literally laugh out loud)...
Please be mostly normal - 29
I'm just looking for people.

Ok, I'll be more specific: I'm looking for people who have at least half an intellect.

Ok, I'll be EVEN MORE specific: I'm looking for attractive people too. Oh yeah, and women are vastly preferred over men. Ah, the wonders of sexual preference.

I'm Nick. I don't really want anything past finding my soulmate for forever. Or getting married in a couple of weeks. Or we can take our time and wait for a good month or so before we get hitched. I'm flexible.

I work at a restaurant, I write songs for guitar and vocals, and I do yoga and I read.

I like dating people who are athletic or at least in shape, because I feel like I get a workout by watching my girlfriend exercise. And my part in the relationship is to do drugs. I'm just kidding; we can both do drugs and exercise together.

So let me know if you want to go on a date and possibly get married. Maybe we can go to the North Pole and build an igloo. That's a nice date.

That's me in the pictures below. I got a haircut since this last picture, and I had to cut off my Statue of Liberty cowlick. It kept gouging holes through all of my hats. Don't worry; I'm not a tourist, as this picture might suggest. I believe the proper term is, "sightseer." Nice euphemism, right? My whole fucking life is sightseeing.

Bye!

Write back! Thanks.

Nick

Mean girls never prosper...or do they?

If there's one lesson that we can take away from movies that involve mean girls (or guys) is that the bitch who made your life hell in high school is supposed to fail miserably after graduation. Too bad real life refuses to imitate life...

I was at the book store with my mom yesterday (she flew out to visit me, <3 her lots), when she just happened to find a book that was authored by the queen bitch of the Wannabes (they tried so hard to be popular, but always failed miserably because they were the only ones who put worth on the alleged social hierarchy that they created in their minds, I only term them the Wannabes because they had people that they wanted to be friends with who wanted nothing to do with them, including some of my friends and some people who wanted to be friends with me that I never really made an effort to be friends with) that tried to make my life hell in middle school and high school. These evil bitches even tried to arrange it so that I'd fail a course in middle school by excluding me from the big group project that I was assigned to do with a few of them (thank God my teacher believed me when I told her that I tried to get with them to work on it, even showing up at their houses to try to pin them down, or I would've ended up with an F in the class). To this day I hate group projects with a fiery passion. I never knew why they hated me, but they were mean to me before I even met them. The queen bitch's right-hand woman was assigned to show me around school on my first day, but blew me off when I tried to invite her to go get ice cream the day before school started and stood me up when we were supposed to meet up so she could show me where my first class was. Then when I finally met her later in the day, she was, along with the rest of her little group, a complete bitch to my face.

So where's the social justice in everything? Why is it that the queen bitch gets to be a published author and continue to live off of mommy and daddy's dime while she explores creative writing as a career, while I'm stuck struggling at a no-name law school with nothing to show for it yet?

On the bright side, I get a closer look beyond the rumor mill at what my some of my former classmates have been up to since I last saw them at graduation (I skipped out on the official "unofficial" reunion last winter because I was tired after a family wine-tasting day trip in Napa Valley...after I made some of my closer friends promise to show up to keep me from being bored at it, oops) because the bitch was never creative enough to delineate from the truth except to make herself look better than she really was (case in point, tried to make herself sound less shallow in the book when she and her friends were the only female label-whores on campus). Judging from the first few pages of the book (thanks to that nifty "Browse Inside" feature) it's holding true as ever (can't believe that she didn't even bother changing first names...and can't believe she was delusional enough to pretend that she had a long-term relationship with one of my friend's exs when my friend was dating him senior year, but she dumped him and the bitch was eager for her leftovers).

So anyways, to sum it up, bitches sometimes get way more than they deserve, even when they don't change at all. And, yeah, it sucks ass, especially when you're nowhere near as "successful." Just gotta hope that things will get better and that the world will right itself out in the end.

Looking for love in all the wrong spaces/places/faces

I've fallen in love with Reeve Carney's music. I want the sweet, romantic, slightly-obsessive love that he sings about. Sadly, I can't seem to find it. Anyone got a map, or a street address where I can find it?

I only seem to attract the worst in society. The males that I've been entangled with in the past, with the exception of one, have all been utterly in love with themselves and only themselves. To them, I've been an accessory. It's always been what can they get out of me for as little effort as possible put forth on their part. Is it any wonder why my love life is in shambles when it exists and never exists for very long before disappearing for long periods of time? They've made me as jaded as I am. Why bother wanting to believe when it's just a canned line? Why bother investing emotionally when they refuse to extend you the same courtesy?

The more I hear, the less I believe. If a guy were to bother to get to know me, he'd realize that I'm not like all of the other girls that he's been able to manipulate. If he knew me, he'd know to be straightforward and to just say what's worked in the past and what he thinks that every girl wants to hear. But they don't, so I get to hear all of the same stuff on repeat, like watching a movie I've seen a dozen times. All guys of that sucky caliber say the same stuff; it's so cliché and predictable. Everything plays out the same way as well. I wish that I could break the cycle, but all of the other kinds of guys, the ones that are decent human beings, end up being only my friends, refusing to see me as female.

So, I suppose my options are give up of die of asphyxiation from holding my breath for a decent mate who'd actually appreciate me for once. Lovely.

"You live a life of your own, girl, and I can't compare."

Who really needs or wants a relationship? It's just needless drama.

You want someone to be a source of emotional support? Try friends and family. Guy friends are infinitely preferable to boyfriends because you can get into emotionally tricky stuff without having to worry. If I want to bitch about how fat I am, I know that if a guy friend says that I'm skinny, it's true. However, if a boyfriend says that, then he may be lying because he's worried about pissing me off and then not getting sex later. Besides, who's going to understand how truly upset you are over the family dog dying? The guy you're been dating for two weeks or your friend who's been hanging out with you every Sunday for the past two years? Face it, boyfriends aren't around nearly long enough to be the best source of emotional support.

You want sex? There are dozens of toys for that. Who knows your body better than you do? If you really need a guy, that's what a casual sex arrangement is for. Friends with benefits can be a beautiful thing if done right.

You need someone to curl up on a couch with you while you watch a movie and greet you with kisses when you wake up? Get a dog. He'll never leave you for another woman, won't give you any lip about taking too long to get ready, and will be perfectly happy to watch a chick flick marathon with you. Better yet, you don't have to worry about impressing his friends or parents.

Buy yourself flowers (then you can get the ones you really like), and tell your parents to buy you jewelry for your birthday.

If you still insist on needing a guy, then maybe you should really consider why you feel the need to have a boyfriend. You could just be a closet gold-digger or desperate to get pregnant and start a family.

"I don't know what to do anymore. Except maybe die."

You never quite know when you're going to die. Even when you're 80 or terminally ill, death can be unexpected. Today is September 30, the 55th anniversary of James Dean's death. Yet, by the time he died, James had already finished filming 2 big studio movies that would go on to be wildly successful, and not just because he was in them, that year. I always thought that by the time I reached this day (being 24 on September 30), I would have done something notable, something that would leave an imprint on the world. Yet, I haven't. All I've managed to do was squander my parents' money on a useless undergrad degree and rack up a serious debt in student loans. Hell, I can't even seem to get a job for next summer or a date, and everyone else seems to be able to get one or the other, if not both, with relative ease. If I were to die right now, there'd be nothing to put into an obituary or to be said about me at my funeral. Kind of like Plato in "Rebel Without A Cause." Taking stock of one's own life is a funny thing because only you know what your hopes and dreams are and how successful your life really is. I know that I only have myself to blame for my own shortcomings and failures. From here on out, I've got to stop dreaming and start doing. I've got opportunities coming up where I can try to make something happen. Something's gonna give, and when it does, I'll be right there waiting. That way, when I do die, a part of me will live on...forever.

We are a reflection of where we've been.

Like it or not, we all have an opinion about so-called "hot button" political issues. If you think about it, all of your opinions stem from the experiences you've had. The more you see of the world, the more your political opinions change or solidify. I'm not just talking about seeing different countries. If you go to several different countries, but stay in luxury hotels, then all you know is which country has the best room service. What I'm really talking about is your world, the world you see when you step outside your front door. For example, you're more likely to be pro-legalization of marijuana if you enjoy blazing occasionally than someone who has had a loved one join MA (Marijuana Anonymous: http://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/), but if you've seen/dealt with both, you have a better perspective on things and develop a stronger argument as to why things should be one way and not the other way, yet the more significant experience will be the one to sway you one way or the other. Never apologize for having your opinions, so long as you can back them up. Usually, you have a reason for believing what you believe, and in my experience, once you tell others about it, they'll be more respectful of your opinion. Don't shut yourself off to their experiences, either, because you never know why people are on the other side of an issue, or why there's another side of an issue at all, until you listen to them. Takes all types to make the world go 'round.

Bugs and strangers

It's ridiculously humid here, so the mosquitoes and other such insects that have been lying low as of late are out in force. A great number of them seem to be attracted to the neon sign above my head, which they can't get to, thanks to a window. There's a guy on the other side of the window who happens to be sitting right under that swarm of bugs, but doesn't either seem to notice them or seem to care (perhaps he is too engrossed in his textbook). If I were him, I would immediately search for a new table to sit at. I'm assuming that there are not bugs in here because it is too cold in here for the bugs to appreciate, considering how much warmer it is outside.

I always wonder more about strangers than I should. It's an amusing past-time to come up with false backgrounds for people who I've never seen before. Honestly, though, sometimes you see people and you can't help but wonder about something that stands out about them. Why not satisfy your curiosity by answering that question yourself? Undoubtedly, you can come up with a more captivating answer than what would have been given to you by the stranger. Doing so may also decrease your amount of staring at strangers, which would give the rest of the world the illusion that you may have acquired manners at long last.

Right now, I'm listening to strange, accordion-focused music, which makes me feel as if I'm trapped in a Tim Burton film. If only that were true and Johnny Depp came walking through the door. Unfortunately, I'm still stuck in the same crap college town. It's all made worse by the facts that a) I'm dealing with a lingering cold/flu (meaning my body aches, my nose won't stop dripping, and I'm coughing up my lungs...or so it feels) and b) there was a Lights Over Paris show that I couldn't go to because of class and the venue had them play an early show because of its club night (the show is all ages, so they all need to be kicked out before the club night started). Not that I'm really a fan of Lights Over Paris (they're little better than Justin Bieber), but it'd be a chance to look at mildly attractive guys that I know in a sense. I say that because I know their type, the pay-to-players, as I like to call them. I knew that type pretty well when I was in LA. Regularly came into contact with them both on campus and in my social life. So, it would be a taste of the familiar, a taste of what I consider to be home. Instead, I'm here, listening to odd music and staring out at the odd Midwestern human landscape that's an accurate representation of this town. Woe is me.

Life is about the journey

Recently, I told someone to have a little faith. Life was getting him down, and nothing was turning out quite like he expected it. Everyone hits rough patches like that, but those rough patches can be great learning experiences. You struggle through them, and everything turns out okay in the end, but the catch is that you have to believe that things will work themselves out or you will become lost in the daily struggle and never see the end (or notice it when it comes around). Sometimes things work out better than what we initially wanted, for reasons that we can't explain. When that happens, you need to recognize it and enjoy it because you have been given a gift. Sometimes, things end worse than we wanted, but it's worse for a reason that you have yet to fully recognize and appreciate. If everything worked out exactly how we wanted it to, there would be no excitement or adventure in life. Where's the fun in knowing every plot twist before it happens? I'd rather have some shitty moments to throw me off the scent and be surprised with a happy ending, even if it's only happy compared to the shitty parts. Sometimes, you have to help fate out a little and put yourself in the right place at the right time. In other words, don't be afraid to take risks. "Fortune favors the bold." If you spend all day sitting in your room, staring at the wall, how can you expect to meet your soulmate or become the darling of the gossip blogs? Moral of the story: enjoy life as it comes, whether it's good or bad. Never stop believing that everything is happening as it should, for there are higher powers beyond our control that are orchestrating everything in one helluva fucked-up ballet.

Drinking leads to foolishness...and other things

This week has made me into a mess of emotions and being stuck in the middle of nowhere at the beginning of New York's S/S 2011 Fashion Week certainly didn't help. So, even though I swore that I was not going to drink this weekend, I found myself at 7:40 pm yesterday rushing to get ready for a night out with friends and acquaintances. The evening started out tame enough, with me nursing a single drink and nibbling on a few fries stolen from a friend while others had two or more drinks with dinner. We then ran into a former friend who has, for unknown reasons, decided to snub us this year (too bad he was there with only one friend who is not popular herself, which only made him seem like the ostracized party). With that awkwardness out of the way, it was time to go to a proper bar. During dinner, there were stories swapped about having trouble while being carded, so it was humorous when the i.d. checker asked me if I had a secondary i.d. on me, believing my driver's license was a fake. Being in the middle of nowhere, the alcohol was ridiculously cheap ($2 for any drink...literally any drink) and very strong...which meant that I got drunk. This led to me proceeding each noun with f*cking (i.e. f*cking rain, f*cking bacon) and sending off a really stupid email (though the response I got wasn't impressive either). I haven't gotten smashed like that in ages, and clearly for good reason. I suppose I should just be glad that I didn't end up in an ugly stranger's bed.

Anyways, tonight is FNO. Since there aren't any FNO activities going on in the entire state, I am consoling myself with chocolate and my favorite fashion movies, "The Devil Wears Prada" and "Funny Face." Going to New York for Thanksgiving Break, so I know that I'll be shopping in about 2.5 months. I'll actually be there for over a week, which is the longest that I've ever stayed in the city. Without any set itinerary, I'm looking forward to really experiencing the city.

Thank God I live in the modern era.

Tonight, I was able to talk to my brother for this first time since he was deployed 4 months ago. Up until now, the only way I knew he was still alive was from the occasional phone call that he'd make to my parents' house (which would be relayed to me at a later date) and the random Facebook update. Spent 20 mins or so on Facebook chat with him, which was wonderfully unexpected. To think that only a decade ago, such a thing would not be possible. Finally got a suggestion from him as to what to get him for Christmas, so I'll hold off until Thanksgiving to get it, when I'll be in a proper city with decent shopping. Stiff upper lip and all that now, even though I still fear for his safety. At least he's over half done with his deployment (3.5 months left) and I'll see him at Christmas.

Zen

The town I'm in now has a legitimate tea house. There's something soothing about the ritual of making a cup of tea. Forcing yourself to just sit and be as you wait for the timer to signal that the tea is done steeping, smelling the aroma of the tea as it first hits the bottom of the cup.

Between last night and this morning, I've done some reflecting and thinking about these past couple of weeks. People think that I may have been acting strange, but in reality, I've been slipping back into who I am at the core of my being. It becomes tiring to be what everyone else wants me to be. I now know that there's no point in appeasing others if I can't live for myself. It's self-actualization. That's why I've dyed my hair, had a one night stand, and got down on the dance floor. I'm not acting out, I'm just learning to breathe. Last year I tried too hard to acclimate to my surroundings, all because everyone else was and I was too afraid to not be a lemming. Don't be a lemming, or you'll miss out on life. I'm also a big believer in fate. Everything major in your life happens for a reason, so half the time, you're best off just going with the flow instead of trying to wedge yourself in where you don't fit. Who knows where I'll go or what I'll do, but I might as well enjoy the ride.

Men, boys, and sex

I've got my one-night-stand under my skin. It's been three days and I'm still hoping to run into him, as opposed to daydreaming about cute guys that I see on a regular basis or hot male celebs, like I usually do. All I wanna do is put on a skanky/slutty outfit and sneak into his bedroom. Why is it that my ideal day right now would be spent locked in his bedroom? Took me a while to figure it out, but here's the answer: he was a man in the bedroom. He took control. All the guys that I've hooked up with before weren't like that. Either they were overeager to just score or they were nervous and hesitant, not knowing what to do, whether I'd be cool with it or not. With this guy, let's call him Z, it felt completely organic, like this is exactly how things were supposed to go down. He knew exactly what to do and really knew his way around a woman's body. I have a feeling that I'm just another notch in Z's bedpost, but that doesn't deter me from wanting to roll around in his sheets again. If every sexual experience could be like that, I can see how people get pussy/cockwhipped. So, maybe it's a good thing that it was just a one-night-stand. That way I'm not giving up my independence, even though I have that night/morning stuck in my head on repeat.

The grandiose disconnect of modern society

I had my first legitimate one night stand last night. It's surprisingly common, considering how one generation ago, such a thing would be borderline scandalous (though it did happen). Even with the hippies and their concept of free love, there was an understanding, to a certain extent, that the two parties would make some sort of effort to interact with one another in the not-too-distant future. Now, people think nothing of jumping into bed with someone that they barely know, someone that they have very little intention of ever seeing again.

Not that I'm slamming one night stands, in fact it's a nice change from the trouble of a relationship. No demands, no restrictions, just satisfying a craving, like eating your favorite food at a restaurant. Do you need it? No, but you want it and you're not stuck with surplus once you get your fill, like you would if you had bought all of the ingredients to make it. It also lets you be as fucking self-centered as you want because you don't have to care about the other person's feelings after the deed is done and you don't have to get to know them and pretend to care about them if you don't want to.

When no means get the hell away from me...

I went out to a local bar tonight hoping to meet up with some friends (a couple of them were still in class when I headed out) and see that cute guy I saw last weekend again. Neither happened for various reasons. I was only out for an hour, so that may have been a huge factor in neither one happening.

Why only an hour when the night is still young? It's because when certain people get drunk, they fail to comprehend that no means get the fuck away from me. I had brought a book with me in order to kill the time and to use as an excuse not to talk to guys that I was absolutely not interested in conversing with (after all, I wanted to make sure that I was free to hit on the cute guy if I saw him). That isn't to say that I'm a complete anti-social bitch. A couple of people asked me about what I was reading and I chatted with them a bit about the book and why I liked it. Then, a drunken asshole came over and asked me if I wanted to dance, while essentially pushing his crotch into my knee (I was sitting on a bar stool). I said no, with a look and tone that implied that I was not interested in talking to him. He wouldn't leave me alone, or give me any personal space. Not wanting to end up being sexually harassed and not having any friends around to protect me/help me get rid of the creeper, I left as quickly as possible. It was definitely a "Danger, Will Robinson!" moment.

Men out there, please remember to be respectful of a lady's personal space, even if you want to bang her. Also, if she says no, don't push the issue. Thank you.

So, yeah, no cute guy sighting, but I'll live, as I always seem to. Speaking of guys, I'm over that one crush I had. All it took was time and space, like it always does. As well as acceptance of fate. If it was meant to develop into something, then things would have happened differently than they did. But they didn't, and that's that. Upwards and onwards...or however that phrase goes.

One week down...how many more to go?

First week of classes this semester is over! This year is easier than first year, thus far, inasmuch that I can choose my own schedule and I know what the hell is going on in some of my classes (ex. Evidence). I know that I need to "look towards the future" this weekend, and I will. However, it's felt good to just sit on my ass and do nothing for the past hour and a half. This semester may just kill me (the dean of students thinks it will, but he still gave me the credit override), but I have faith that things will all shake out for the best.

The weather here's been shit. Either it's been wicked humid (drinkable air)/overcast and warm-ish or it's been sunny and barely reaching 70. With such a short time left to actually tan my legs and bolster the tan on the rest of my body before the onset of winter, I'm deeply disappointed with Mother Nature.

The ground water's already starting to chew up my hands. No matter how often I moisturize my hands, the skin on my hands is starting to get dry and flaky, totally gross. One would think that the dormitory room bathrooms would be hooked up to the city water supply, like the rest of campus is, but no. Of course not. Never mind that the ground water smells like rust from the iron that's in it and is really hard on the skin.

Life would be some much easier if I was as wealthy as Huguette Clark because I could live without ever having to incur debt, which is something I hate having to do. I wish she'd make me her heir. Sad thing is, I doubt she'd adopt me, seeing as I'm a law student and her second ex-husband was also a law student.

Back to the start...

Classes begin tomorrow. Oh joy.

I have mixed feelings about being back. There are plusses and minuses about everything in life. Good stuff right now: the view from my room (my window looks out into treetops right now, but come winter, when the leaves are gone, I'll have a view of the river), the eye candy (saw the most adorable blonde last night in a bar, I'll probably hit on him next time I see him), and friends (getting breakfast with one tomorrow before we go to a class that we're both in, automatic study buddy). Bad stuff: the time change, still haven't completely unpacked, the fucking humidity (don't get me wrong, I love summer storms and all, but it sucks when you don't even have a fan and the air is so thick that sleeping is out of the question), and being back in the middle of nowhere.

At least I haven't been eaten alive by mosquitos yet, but I've only been in town for 24 hours.

I feel like I'm hurtling towards something significant. A crazy turn in my future, a date with destiny. "Something's Coming" from West Side Story is the best way to describe how I've been feeling. The future is filled with promise.

Caveat emptor.

Some people just have to have drama in their lives, and some hate it but can't seem to escape it. This blog was primarily a way for me to escape some of that drama. I can't bottle up everything I want to say or I'd go crazy, but I also don't want everyone in my public life to know everything I'm thinking all of the time because it may offend some people. Yes, I did say "public life." Even though this is on the internet, the anonymity makes it far more private than if I were to go and gossip about someone behind their back. If you choose to read this, you're making a choice of your own free will. If I were to tell some of this stuff to people...well, you can't just automatically block out what you literally hear. Hence, caveat emptor. If you feel strongly that, say, Fifty Cent is the best person in the world, and you see that I have a blog about him, then you may be subject to reading about how I can't stand the guy because of his past criminal record. This is not a place for political correctness. If you want something that's p.c., I suggest you go talk to a politician. The funny thing is, the person who prompted this specific entry wants an actual retraction in this blog. Problem with that is I would then have to name names, and having that out there means it'd be searchable and what would people think if they could find that person's name in that context? Really, it'd do more harm than good. Next time, that person should actually think things through before spouting off, but people rarely think about the full ramifications of their actions, which usually means that they end up worse than what they started off with.

Silly drama...all it's good for is cheap entertainment.

Anyways, I'm back home, which feels damn good, if I do say so myself. Plus, I just realized that a massive music festival is going on next weekend while I'm around (one that I had to miss last year because of law school orientation). Felt like I was going to die on the regional jets last night, but saw the most amazing sunset as the plane was landing at my layover spot.

Stupid shit that I just can't shake...

Arguments via message don't really have the same effect as arguments in person, or even over the phone.

Ever heard of "girls and guys can't just be friends"? With some people, that statement is true. I let a friendship become more than just platonic friends not too long ago, and now it's this awful cycle of arguments over the internet. We've known each other for a long time and he's had a thing for me for almost as long. I kind of had a thing for him, too, so we got, uh, intimate and I realized what a mistake it would be to actually be in a relationship with the guy. I don't really want to lose him as a friend, but he's convinced that we'd be perfect together (join the club of guys who think I'm their soulmate, buddy). He's got this ugly, distrustful side, so he doesn't believe me when I say that I'm still single (the moment I date someone other than him, he will refuse to have anything to do with me, or so he claims). Another problem is that he wants me to open up far more than I'm comfortable doing. I am a private person in the real world, and there's a lot of things in my personal life and in my past that I doubt I'll share with anyone. He says that gives him an excuse not to trust me because I obviously can't trust him. I wish I could just ignore him permanently, but I can't just ignore the fact that we've been friends for some time now. Instead, I suffer through argumentative messages being sent to me on a regular basis. One of these days, though, preserving the shared past won't be worth the price.

Onward and upward

I'm glad that I'm a realist. Told the musical soulmate dick that I'd see him never because, let's face it, that's the likelihood. Around him I might as well be a gay guy, so there's no serious incentive to pursue him, and we never really hung out or were friends, so there's no point in trying to have a legitimate friendship with him. Plus, there's the whole issue of picking on him excessively. I feel bad about it, I really do, but he's an easy target and I just can't help myself, so that automatically makes me not want to really be his friend because friends don't treat each other the way I've treated him. Instead, I'll listen to "Girl All The Bad Guys Want" by Bowling For Soup a dozen times and get over my mushy feelings for him. It's better this way.

Oh shit...

Bad news, very bad news, very very very bad news. Yep, musical soulmate. All I feel like doing is listening to pop songs about unrequited crushes. It's pretty clear that we are strictly in the friend zone. I haven't had a legitimate crush in a long time, especially a crush where I know the guy on a personal level and the guy basically sees me as a genderless creature (the only other one was a guy during my freshman year of high school, he was a senior and in the same crew/rowing boat as my oldest brother, soI was just someone's kid sister to him even though he was friendly to me...one of the few older guys who acknowledged my presence). Since I'm so convinced that this is in the friend zone, I'm too afraid of rejection to make a move. Suffering in silence sucks ass to say the least.

"Then I see you walking across the campus..."

I'm at The Book End in Boulder, Colorado at the moment, working on something for my clerkship. "Campus" by Vampire Weekend is playing over the speaker system and the song always makes me think of college towns like this one and the town where I go to law school. It's all so perfectly cliché and charming in an unexpected kind of kismet way. I feel like I'm in a scene of some cheesy college film that's churned out for the masses at low cost by a major Hollywood studio. Any second now, Amanda Bynes will come strolling in, all starry-eyed over the cute frat boy she met at a poetry reading last night that he had to attend for his English 101 class. Why the heck am I in Boulder? I couldn't come to Colorado and not live with myself if I didn't come here, all thanks to my deep love of the Larry books (read The Gospel According To Larry asap if you haven't already, swear it'll change your life). One of these days I'll pare down my personal belongings to 27 items, I promise. It's a charming town and I can see the appeal for young people. I head back tonight, catching a ride with the dick I created a playlist for. I half-hope that he hates almost all of the music on my list just so I can continue to hate him, but at the same time I want him to like all of it because then my skill at matching people to music (reading their musical "personalities") will remain unparalleled. Leaving for home Wednesday night, so a chapter of my life will be closing soon and a new chapter will be beginning. Back to the nasty drudgery that is known as work.

Mixtape Love

Mixtape/mix cds/music playlists are an intensely personal thing for me because I'm such an audiophile. My music collection is widely varied because I enjoy having a soundtrack to my life. Just like in a movie or on a show, the right song at the right moment really captures the mood and defines the moment for me. The dick that I mentioned in my last blog happens to have a respectable music collection as well, but it isn't as impressive as mine. The only one-on-one conversation I ever had with him was about music, and during that conversation I vowed to change his mind about one band (he only had their first album, which was their worst album out of the three they put out). At the beginning of this week, I decided to make him listen to other songs that the band had recorded (I succeeded in changing his opinion of the band), and promised him that I'd let him copy that music from my computer. That was a promise that I almost revoked two days ago, but I figured that I'd be kind and still let him have the music. So, today I sat down and made a playlist of songs that he wants, songs that he'll probably want after hearing them, and songs that I'm thinking he'll want but I'm on the fence on. The total comes to 83 songs (a tiny portion of my overall collection, but it includes a lot of my current personal favorites), which made me realize how close our musical tastes are, something that has always made it easy to overlook personality flaws (my last ex was a complete jerk, but I fell in love with his music collection and he introduced me to one of my favorite bands, the Dresden Dolls). If he likes all of the music, then all i can say is thank God this clerkship is almost over, or I might have developed a crush on him. The timing is such that I can just give him the music and have him walk out of my life forever without falling for another asshole, something that I don't need to have happen to me.

What goes down must come up.

Picture this, if you will: I'm standing at the sink at twilight, staring down at the "In-Sink-Erator" and drinking cold coffee that I got at noon and doctored with creamer and 5 packets of sugar (it's a grande size...why the independent coffee place felt the need to change their size list to match Starbucks, I'll never know), all while listening to the instrumental version of "A Beautiful Mine."

In a morbid moment, I fancy that my life has essentially just been shoved down into the dark hole and the "In-Sink-Erator" has been turned on. Everything feels discarded, chopped up, and scattered in a terrible way. I can't seem to be able to grab all of the pieces and fit them back together, the way one would assemble a jigsaw puzzle or a piece of furniture from Ikea. This, of course, is driving me into a dismal, desperate variety of insanity to the point of where it seems like every gamble I take, I lose, and the stakes keep getting higher and higher. My luck has run out, and I can't find any borrowed time to live off of.

Now, I'm normally not the type of person to get jealous or to compare myself to others, but I absolutely detest having salt rubbed in my wounds when they are just beginning to heal. Naturally, salt was rubbed in my wounds today at an absolutely perfect time. My first reaction was to punch the dick who, in my mind, could have done without getting his good news because he needs to have a lesson in humility. The dick really is the physical manifestation of everything that I hate in people. Normally, people only have one or two flaws, but this guy has them all. I'd offer to castrate him so that he can't procreate and pass on his awful personality and character flaws to the next generation, but something tells me that he wouldn't take me up on the offer. Instead, all I could do was grab my wallet, flee the office, and go get a cup of coffee.

While drinking my coffee at the aforementioned independent coffee place, I put my feelings down onto paper, folded that piece of paper up, and put it in my wallet. Then, I did what I do best, which was come up with an alternate route to go from point A to point B in my professional life (seeing as how the dick and others like him robbed me of my original plan [it's always easier to blame someone else than admit that you are the reason why you failed]). However, doing so failed to reassure me. I honestly have never felt more insecure in my life (even when I went bra-less for the first time at the tender age of 17 for a vendor show put on for Macy's West Coast division [I was wearing a backless halter top with a neckline that plunged to my belly button, which I wore because I was the only person who could fit into the size 0 jeans that were paired with the top], I was more confident that I am now...and I was terrified then). I can't afford to continue to fail like this, or I swear that I'll give up on life because what is the point of living if there is absofuckinglutely nothing to live for?

Sympathique

It's been a while, but I've been busy.

The verdict did come in for Kandin, although I was unable to be present when it was announced. Kind of glad I wasn't there because seeing his father fall apart would've been too heart-wrenching to watch with a stone-cold face. So, in case you haven't guessed it yet, the verdict was guilty for everything except extreme indifference, which doesn't mean jack shit when it comes to the actual sentencing. Basically, Kandin's going to prison for life. Maybe he can teach his fellow inmates how to behave like civilized beings, give them lessons on manners and whatnot.

I started writing a fictional piece about it, and I hope that I am able to finish it before I graduate from law school.

*WARNING: The rest of this is a rambling monologue. If you don't want to take a peek into my mind, don't read it.*

Last night I was reminded why I have such high standards to the point where I find it almost impossible to date, and why it's so wonderful to stick to those standards, as opposed to when I failed to and ended up dating my three exs (horrid men that no woman should be forced to spend time with). I'd rather be an ice-cold bitch than jump into bed with anyone who will have me.

Not to say that I don't get lonely. I do. I'm human just like everyone else. However, I can tolerate the loneliness, unlike so many others. There's no point in being in a relationship just so that you have a warm body.

I honestly don't care that some people think that I can't afford to be picky at all. And, yes, I know that I'll probably end up alone in the end, a bitter little old lady with a yippy purse dog, resentful over the fact that I don't have kids and grandkids and a husband. That's a fate that I am resigned to.

God, to be 24 and resigned to that as being the absolute truth. I am pathetic. *insert wistful smirk here*

I just ignored two phone calls from two different people. My God, I must be popular. Just kidding about the popular comment. Lord knows I'm not.

Right now I honestly don't want to be around people, particularly the people I was drinking with last night. Not because they're awful people, but I still need to mentally process some stuff. I made sure one of them didn't die in the middle of the night (choking on his own vomit while he was passed out, etc.) and that was enough.

I get...weird...when I get really drunk. Most people lose their inhibitions and get more loose and crazy. I become more prim and proper; my manners really start to shine through. For example, last night as I was leaving the final bar for the night, I picked up all of the empty bottles and glasses around me, brought them to the bar and thanked the bartender profusely for the water that he gave me to give to the friend who I had to check on this morning, That was after I had gotten so drunk that I puked on myself a bit.

Thank God I'm not really hungover, just somewhat dehydrated. I never really get hungover or blackout. It's nice that I'm always able to remember the night before, so that I can make amends or mercilessly mock those who can't remember.

I think I'll spend the rest of the day just drinking coffee and water while listening to "Sympathique" by Pink Martini over and over again until I can't stand the song anymore.

Cheaters never prosper...

Dating your coworker is one of those things that you're never supposed to do. It's even stupider when that coworker has a significant other that (s)he is moving in with and who wants to marry him/her in the near future.

Yeah, it's just a stupid summer fling for the two people in my clerkship program that I know are involved with each other. However, the woman's boyfriend was here only 2 weeks ago. He moved all of her stuff into his apartment this week while she was out here galavanting about with her new flame. Being pretty only lets you get away with some stuff, not with murder. Looks like she's going to have to find a new place once she gets back to the East Coast, or her boyfriend's more desperate than he seems. I just hope for his sake that he doesn't get a nice collection of STDs as a constant reminder of his future ex-girlfriend.

Not like the woman is the only guilty party. If someone has a significant other, that person should automatically be off-limits. I don't care how on the rocks or how open that relationship is, people who are trying to get some on the side shouldn't be touched with a ten-foot pole. Not only are you guilty of harming an innocent person, but if the person you're messing around with is willing to hop into bed with you, who knows how many other people are hopping into bed with that person as well.

Cheating is a bad idea, especially with a coworker because there's no way something like that can remain a secret indefinitely when there are people watching your interactions with one another on a daily basis.

Broken-hearted

One of the problems with trials is that there's always people involved outside of the courtroom. The murder trial that I've been blogging about is no different. Today I spoke with the father of the defendant. Once I found out who the father was (he has been waiting outside the courtroom on a daily basis, but sat inside to hear the closing arguments today), I felt compelled to compliment him on his son's manners, as something like that comes directly from how someone is raised. The old man couldn't help but get choked up and kept saying how he tried to raise his son right. Made me almost cry because you could tell that it broke his heart to see his son getting mixed up with some unsavory characters and eventually end up charged with first-degree murder (which is essentially a planned murder done in cold blood, as opposed to the heat of the moment, which I find impossible given the circumstances). The jury will begin deliberations first thing Monday morning. Knowing what little I know about the case and the defendant, if he is convicted, I doubt the judge will put him on death row. I am of the opinion that some people should go on death row (serial killers, etc.) if only to keep them from spreading their ethos to other people in the prison system and continuing their cycle of harm.

Once the conviction comes in, I will likely expand upon Kyle's testimony because at that point there'll nothing worth protecting (either he will get convicted and it'll come out somehow aside from me, or he won't be in prison).

"...two can keep a secret only if one of them is dead."

That's from "Secret" by The Pierces, which is currently being used as the theme song for "Pretty Little Liars." It's apt for this blog, which is going to largely consist of a conspiracy theory.

Yesterday, the alleged snitch, Kyle, testified in the homicide trial. He claims that he was testifying so that he could be done with the ANP once and for all, but he doesn't seem that stupid (as in thinking he could get away with it). Why? For starters, the guy who brought ANP to the prison system in Colorado was axed for testifying against another ANP member in another state. Secondly, around the time of the shooting, members from other states had come visiting Kyle and others in Colorado, so they know what he looks like in other states. Laser surgery to remove his tattoos wasn't part of his plea agreement (as far as I know), so it'll be easy to send out a hit along ANP lines (it is apparently a nation-wide prison gang) for a guy with his tattoos, especially the neck ones, which are visible in a jumpsuit and are large enough that they would be difficult to cover up.

One of the things to remember about negotiating is that you always want to start off beyond your ideal spot, so that you have a better chance at ending at a comfortable position by the end. My guess is that's what happened here with Kyle's initial requests. He promised a lot in exchange for a lot. However, all he's doing is testifying against one person in exchange for being locked up in prison for a couple of decades in an undisclosed state. It may be his shot of moving up the chain of command, giving him a chance to prove that he's willing to risk it all to protect ANP and possibly to restore order in another state's jail system. Or, it could be that he was charged with making sure that a relative outsider took the fall, in order to safeguard another member from being discovered and was afraid of the defendant joining another gang and being able to reach out with that gang to off Kyle. It's clear that Kyle is bringing this supposed danger onto himself by complete choice, so there must be either no consequence from ANP faced by him testifying or he really is the stupidest person alive. He never gave a reason for wanting to leave, which alone raised my eyebrow. I would've asked if he was having any other troubles with ANP. People don't leave these organizations without a damn good reason and a solid way out, which usually means just fading into the woodwork, not running around, mouthing off about the group as much as you can. Neither are present here. There are other signs that things aren't adding up, but I'm not going to disclose them for now. Maybe I'll expand on my little conspiracy theory and turn it into novel form, using this moniker as a safety precaution...not that I'm afraid.

On an unrelated note, I need to win the lottery asap: PORSCHE 550 SPYDER Replica for $14,900 (half of what they usually run for)

Rocky Mountain High and American History Zed

Yah yah yah, I haven't posted anything here in a long time, but whatever. After having completed my first year of law school, I'm currently clerking for a judge in Colorado (in a way, I currently have three residences in three different states...crazy). That means I get to spend a portion of every day watching trials.

Right now there's a murder trial for an American Nazi Party prospect who allegedly killed a female Mexican immigrant (I've come to refer to the case as American History Zed, after the movie "American History X," the "zed" being the non-American pronunciation of "z"). Doesn't appear to be an actual hate crime, but you never know. It seems pretty likely that the guy is guilty (mandatory life in prison), but he also got thrown under the bus by a "soldier" in the ANP. Kyle Gray first told his (now ex) girlfriend that the defendant had killed the woman while driving a stolen car and then had bragged about it to him. Kyle was actually the driver, and the car belonged to the girlfriend. He then wrote a letter to the police, telling them that he could solve this murder for them (the trail went completely cold after a month of searching for the murderer)...if they were willing to give him a sweet plea deal (one of the parts of the deal is that it's not made public where he will serve out his sentence, probably afraid he'll get raped in the ass like in "American History X"). Only then was the defendant arrested.

There are a couple of other curveballs in the saga. First, the victim was having an affair with the eyewitness (someone other than Kyle Gray) at the time, something that the victim's husband didn't know about until the probable cause hearing (where the judge decides whether or not there's enough of a case to present to a jury). Second, the eyewitness had 10 beers earlier in the evening, but couldn't say when he had consumed them. Third, the defendant is the most polite convict that I have encountered. I see convicts almost daily and occasionally pass by them in the hall. Usually there's something about their demeanor that's skeezy, messed up, or mean. Not this guy. He ALWAYS says excuse me whenever people are in the back hall (whenever there's someone being taken to/from a holding cell, all civilians have to line up against the wall to avoid touching the convicts) and is more than happy to move to avoid blocking a person's view. Not to mention, he has no problem laughing whenever something humorous is said in the courtroom (whereas all of the other convicts either keep a straight face or cry).

It'll be interesting to follow, to say the least.

"You can do anything you set your mind to."

Seriously? That "inspirational" sentence should be banned, because it's just not true. No matter how hard I try, I'm failing miserably at life right now. I've hit a streak of bad luck, or I've just never realized what a loser I was until now.

Everyone gets depressed when there's a lack of gratification, I suppose. Self-doubt is exponential to the number of signs that you're headed in the right direction. Throw in a shitload of debt, and it's no wonder I feel like pounding my head against the wall. Aside from goofing off, the only joy I have had these past few days has ben writing a little more on a piece of fiction that's only a few pages long. I know that school's not supposed to be fun, but it wasn't a pain in the ass like it now is. I guess part of it is that I'm convinced I'll do miserably on my final exams like I did last semester. The other part is that I keep hitting metaphorical walls. Example, I had a graded practice oral argument last Saturday. I gave some tried and true advice to others who were also doing their practice arguments...in front of my professor, who decided at that moment to take into account previous experience concerning oral arguments when he graded us. Thanks to my innate niceness, my grade is lower than it probably would have been if I had been a bitch and kept my mouth shut. I am not asking to be absolutely seen as a novice, but it shouldn't have been allowed to pointedly color the grading of my performance, especially since there are other classmates who have also done what I have done outside of the classroom, but won't have it affect how they are graded. The moral of the story is detrimental to everything that people are taught as children, about being honest and forthright, helping others, and not attempting to undermine others. Good karma v. bad karma. No wonder people hate lawyers, if these are the key lessons that are taught in law school.

Florida is racist

"Imagine what it was like for settlers of rural Florida living in 1898 -- use your senses of sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing to relive this time from Florida's past. The event is held in Cracker Country on..."

Really, Cracker Country? Especially in light of the rural history exhibit. To a European-American, "cracker" is as offensive as "nigger" is to an African-American. Swear, if it was called "Nigger Country," there would be people up in arms, but because it's a derogatory term aimed at European-Americans, it's just a cute colloquialism.

How can we put an end to racism as a whole when some racism still culturally acceptable?

Trimming the fat

Following the State of the Union address (in which Obama pointed fingers and blamed others for his personal failures, sorry but it didn't kill the 1950's-style disenchantment of the youth), some of the proposed budget cuts have been released. From AOL.com, here are some of my favorite and least favorite:

Yay:
-The Social Security Administration could save $150,000 next year by allowing applicants to make appointments online.

There's this thing...called the Internet...works really well for communication.

-The Air Force could save $2 million in 2011 by tailoring more than 12,000 cell phone plans to actual usage.

No, the generals do not need unlimited texting, especially since it's long after their generation.

-The Department of Veterans Affairs estimates $2 million in savings next year by allowing veterans to keep their medications instead of throwing away leftovers when they are discharged from the hospital.

Do you really think that by throwing the meds out, you're cutting back on drug dealing when hardcore addicts have no
shame when it comes to dumpster diving [just ask Stan Smith]?

-The Treasury Department sees $2 million in annual savings by eliminating paper pay stubs for more than 100,000 workers.

But what will the Treasury daycare center use to make paper chains that they use to decorate the Alexander Hamilton
statute?

-A program that pays states to clean up abandoned coal mines that have already been cleaned up. Savings: $115 million next year and $1.2 billion over 10 years.

Unfortunately, that means that someone will now have to go out and get a job that they will have to show up at and actually
do something for, which is so incredibly wrong as it will prevent them from staying onto of their soap storylines. Why,
America, WHY?!?

-A $5 million Forest Service economic development program that funded, among other things, "a water musical festival."

Dammit. Singing an operetta about a snowflake's journey to the ocean just doesn't have the same effect at a desert spoken
word festival.

-A $120 million program that allows low-income people to get their Earned Income Tax Credit in advance. About 80 percent of those receiving early payments were later found ineligible.

Why are they trying to prevent people from spending money that they don't deserve prematurely? How else will people like
Frank the Entertainer be able to afford video cameras so that they can apply to be on reality show?

Nay:
-An $18 million program to clean up and redevelop "brownfields" -- abandoned, idled and underused industrial and commercial facilities in urban areas.

Fewer abandoned areas = fewer areas for meth labs and other criminal activities. Basically it keeps places from turning into
Detroit.

-A $761 million reduction in spending on construction of housing for low-income elderly and those with disabilities.

Seriously? Kicking the old and disabled to the curb is okay? They're even more defenseless than children over the age of 10.

-Two National Park Service programs to restore historic buildings and promote heritage tourism, for a savings of $30 million.

As a person with a degree in history, I find this incredibly offensive. We've already lost so many historical buildings that
pretty soon, all we'll have are the occasional reprinting of a picture that's been lost forever, and future generations will have
a serious disconnect from their ancestors.

-Grants to sites related to the Underground Railroad.

Same response as the one to the NPS cuts.

Spesul iz as speshul does

My civil procedure is a sleazy, cynical sonofabitch, blatantly so. How the fuck people think it's a good idea for him to be teaching anywhere outside of a community college is beyond me (that's how "ew" he is). Some people would call it "practical," but with having to face ethics boards at the end of our education, shouldn't the sleaziness be staved off until we actually pass? Or maybe that's his fucked up plan all along, limit the number of lawyers out there so that there's more money and clients for him.

Obama using teleprompters in a classroom is kinda shady (even if it is for the media). The man needs to be weaned off of them, or sent to rehab for the addiction. I swear, seems like he's becoming more of a puppet with his mind being controlled by some evil mastermind. Is he that afraid of messing up an answer for a simple question like the Miss Teen USA contestant who flubbed on the geography thing? The teleprompters also put a barrier between him and the people, making him seem as if he does not wish to connect with his audience, by dragging his eyes from the faces of whomever he is addressing.

A friend asked me an interesting question last night. Do you morally feel that downloading is illegal? Well, it isn't a crime until somebody's actually convicted of it and fulfills the assigned punishment (because you could still prove the new "law" to be unconstitutional). Disregarding that, if it's all within the US (as in the item was registered for a copyright in the US, the company who owns the item has a US branch, the person whose creative juices created the item is American, the item was sold/distributed in the US, and the uploader is American) then, yeah, you probably shouldn't be downloading it. Throw in some internationals in there and it gets iffy. Example, in Denmark, it's not illegal to download, so what if you're an American downloading something that's purely Danish? It's to be expected that once it's up on a Danish website, it's going to be downloaded. And what if the item was never introduced into the US? Is the item really protected under our copyright law if it never sought to be copyrighted in our country in the first place?

Food, work, and "good times"

"Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper." Today was the first time I've ever heard that. The woman who rang me up when I bought breakfast told me that...after commenting that I must not be hungry since I only had a piece of toast and a sausage patty on my plate. On the contrary, I was hungry, or I would've passed on the concept of breakfast as I normally do. Growing up in a non-agrarian society, breakfast has always been dine-and-dash at best. A quick bowl of cereal, or a Pop Tart in hand, often skipping when I could simply because I had no interest in eating Cheerios, my eldest brother's favorite cereal and, thus, generally the only cereal in the house. Plus, sleep > breakfast every time. Last night, people were surprised to learn that I am not a fan of sandwiches. Not that I refuse to eat them, for they do serve a purpose, but I prefer to take a minute out of the middle of the day to procure something that cannot be consumed on the fly, forcing me to stop and take a breather. Of course, I'm usually too lazy to make anything. However, I am the goat of my family and will gleefully delve into almost any leftovers that I happen to have or find in my parents' fridge. Whenever I am working, I take my lunch time seriously. My lunch hour is my hour, even if I happen to be eating at my desk.

Sometimes I wish that I was an actor, so that I would always have union-enforced lunch breaks and I would always get fed by craft services. The only downside is the unsteadiness of the work. Even someone like Angelina Jolie will fade from the limelight or have a dry spell where there are no productions with a role that she fits the description of. Although in these economic times, is it really any more of a gamble than trying to get a "real" job? With the number of layoffs, maybe now is really the time to go after your dream job, kind of like how Michigan is reinventing itself as a new Hollywood now that the auto industry has finally driven the final nail into the coffins of their factories near Motor City. The idea that the economy is improving is bs until we really start to see tangible improvements, not just word from Wall Street or from the White House.

Speaking of the White House, Obama's asking for even more money, this time for a new incentive program for teachers. Nice idea, but not the right time. What good is improving education if the kids can't stay in school because they're being shuttled around to different relatives or various homeless shelters because their parents can't afford to have a singular residence for an extended period of time thanks to being unemployed? Can Obama learn to pinch pennies? He can't run the US like he ran his household in a tony Chicago neighborhood on his wife's salary. The man's a "good times" president, and if this were the 1920's, I'm sure that his approval rating would be through the roof. We're in hard, lean times, and the man's lightbulb has yet to go off. Instead of escalating the national debt and increasing taxes to finance his pet projects, he should be trying to trim the fat and putting forth non-expensive ideas on how to keep jobs in the US.

Permanently stuck in the 50s

I had never realized that January Jones and John Slattery were both in Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. The Silver Fox played Romola's father, exhibiting serious moves, and the ex-Mrs. Draper was the resident queen bee, which was a decidedly small role and gave her a chance to be openly racist. I have to admit that the movie is a guilty pleasure. I own the dvd, the soundtrack, and the novel adaptation. Bought the book for a flight to Atlanta, where I competed for a full ride at Oglethorpe, the soundtrack after seeing the move in Atlanta, and the dvd when I found it at Kmart for a low price. Since my prom dress was red with a boatneck and a full circle skirt (the year before that type of dress became popular), I had my hair styled like Romola's when she danced in the competition.

I wish I was on a beach in Puerto Rico right now. I wonder what will happen if/when the US ends its embargo on Cuba. With the Castros losing their grip and Obama pushing for an improved relationship, it seems that the end is near. However, with Guantanamo Bay closing, it provides Cuba another chance to fortify itself against capitalist countries. Has Cuba had enough of the Castro version of communism? I have a feeling that this will be the final question standing between remaining closed off from the US and welcoming Americans with open arms. What will this mean for Puerto Rico? At the very least it will drastically cut into Puerto Rico's tourism.

New Theory on Reality TV

While people simultaneously mock and bemoan the excess amount of reality tv, it serves an interesting purpose in this craptastic economy. With the variety of reality tv, there's a show for everyone, meaning that every John Doe out there has a chance at making money or a name for himself, providing a new niche for jobs that are being killed in rapid succession these days. It also provides a new place for flailing companies to reach out to consumers who they wish to target but could not reach, or did not need to reach, before the economic downturn. Motor City Motors is probably the best example of this (2 free episodes are available on iTunes). A father and his two sons found that their motorcycle company was dying a slow death (it still is), so they were able to get a reality show about re-doing cars to race. They then are able to employ men who used to work at car factories before getting sacked, not in exchange for a steady pay check, but for new tools and a chance to go on tv and say "Here's what I can do, so please hire me." The car parts are donated, providing the donators free advertising. Strange to think that reality tv could be doing society at large a real, tangible favor.

Crossroads for Conan

"Conan Exit Deal Imminent

By: Andrew Wallenstein // Friday January 15, 2010

Sources tell me that Conan O’Brien’s deal to exit NBC is “very close” to being signed. “The lawyers are almost finished,” the source says.

The deal would likely allow O’Brien to finish his stint on “The Tonight Show” next Friday. After that, O’Brien will be free to negotiate a deal elsewhere. Although a deal with Fox remains a question mark, another source close to the situation did concede, “Kevin Reilly loves Conan.”

Contrary to fevered reports, no agreements have been signed."

-Showbiz411

Conan has 2 choices. A) He can continue negotiations, sign the deal, and end the drama in good faith. B) He can end negotiations and sue NBC if it is true that they've already signed a deal with Jay for the Tonight Show. Good graces and looking more like someone who can be pushed around versus more money and more public victimization (which means more ratings for Conan if he competes with Jay). Will Conan grow balls or will he go with the sure bet?

Johnny Carson's ghost should be contacted to settle the dispute...

Took until today before someone actually wrote an article about why the devastation in Haiti was so great and, surprise, surprise, the magnitude of the earthquake wasn't the only factor listed. Surprised that it took so freakin' long for something like that to come out.

If NBC and Jay really have inked a deal for him to take the Tonight Show (boo! >:I), then either NBC's cut a parting deal with Conan, or they have effectively released him from his contract without any hassle (of course, if they haven't completely cut ties with Conan, and his contract was to host specifically the Tonight show...well, you can put two and two together, right?). Jay has officially made himself look like a jerkoff in this situation, which will seriously hurt the numbers of any pre-existing Tonight Show fan base (I can practically hear Letterman's evil cackling as he greedily anticipates the return of his minions who had shunned him because of the extramarital affair scandal). This means that we can anticipate that his ratings are not going to be much better than they were for his primetime show and he is once again going to be a money pit for NBC. It's tragic that Jay's selfishness and NBC's (as well as Conan's representation's) sloppiness have led to the death of the Tonight Show, but maybe it should have ended once Johnny Carson said goodbye to it. The whole thing is reminiscent of a distasteful sibling squabble over the inheritance left by the dead father while the elderly mother is still alive, but too feeble to truly regulate the bickering.

There have been rumors floating around that Conan has a bit of an ego problem, which is never good. When you've been handed a present you've always wanted, you're supposed to say thank you, and act grateful for the gift. Instead, if the rumors are true, Conan's been acting as if he earned his gift by right. Excuse me, but who graciously gave you the show that you've wanted since childhood and is handing you a paycheck every week or so, Conan? They always could have gone with someone else. It could be Carson Daly hosting the Tonight Show right now instead of Conan. In Hollywood, once the ink dries on the contract, it's always good to remain humble and respectful of your superiors and inferiors (if 30 Rock has taught me one thing, it's that you never know which page may end up running the network someday). Or else they'll either find ways to make your life hell (if your contract is ironclad) or they'll find loopholes in your contract (which is far worse), like the time loophole in Conan's.

All the world's a reality show...

I know I blogged just an hour ago, but I'm so freakin' anxiety-ridden over the las grade being posted today (hasn't been posted yet) and waiting to see if I hear any more from the company that I can't really focus on anything that requires serious brain function.

So I'm posting about Haiti. I feel bad for the country, I really do, because that many deaths is an absolute tragedy. And, yes, Pat Roberts can go suck it (I think the guy's secretly craving a gang-rape-style anal pounding or he wouldn't be always making antagonistic comments) for what he said. While the earthquake is shocking, the results from the earthquake are less so. The quality of the majority of the buildings on the half of the island that Haiti is on leaves something to be desired. It's a third-world country, so thy don't have the money to make buildings secure against natural disasters (the US does, hence the US Embassy is still standing). Because it is a third-world country, there's a number of people inside of most dwellings at any given time that would make a fire marshal have a heart-attack. The more crowded a building is, the fewer secure spots (like under a table or in a doorway) there are available for a person to go to that are not occupied. Now, admittedly, the Dominican Republic is on the other side of the quake, so Haiti did have to bear the brunt of it, but there are no horror stories coming out of that country. It has the second largest economy of the region and therefore is more developed than Haiti. Moral of the story: if you have a choice, don't live in a third-world country with a corrupt government when there's a more developed country right next door.

Quick note about NBC: Will somebody please get the animatronic of Jay Leno off the stage? Get rid of him (the fact that he made such a spectacular fail of himself shows that people don't want to watch him for the sake of him) and keep Conan at his spot. These late night shows are interchangeable and Conan is more likely to kiss NBC's ass instead of Jay, who enjoys having NBC give him metaphorical bjs. Oh, and I really really really hope that they keep Trauma, or at least turn it into the Taylor Kinney Half-Naked Variety Hour (he's a real man's man without being a frat boy *coughMatthewMcConaugheycough*).

The future don't look bright

Wow, people are idiots today. 2 people did not know the answer and didn't take a stab of answering it and the 3rd person who did got it wrong. The opinion is crystal-clear as far as the answer is concerned. Irked the professor, but that's what he gets for calling on the wrong people. *smirk* Don't like the man anyways because it's pretty fucking obvious that he's still stuck in a BMOC phase from high school. Apparently there's an ex-sorority girl in this class who has a crush on him and I know there's a prick who also has that BMOC complex who idolizes him and would probably go gay for him (ew). Yet another student had to be walked through a slam dunk answer. *shakes head* For shame. The peroxide must have leaked through her skull and destroyed her brain (her dark rots are at least an inch long).

Last push of applying for jobs and ish today, since the last grade should be up. If I don't hear anything positive for anywhere else, then I'll say yes to the offer (partly because it could lead to employment down the line in the location that the job is at and it would still look good on the resume even without any desire to stay there forever). It always comes down to money, doesn't it?

If you give an intern a cookie...

...will they be willing to say that you're the only applicant for the job?

The questionnaire that was sent to me from the company that I'm stressing over (which is causing me to check my email more often than Ari Gold comes up with a new insult to use on Lloyd) was sent by an HR intern. Tempted to use bribery to push myself to the top because, having interned for shit before (actually I got a stipend to cover my transportation, which was nice) I know how a juicy amount of cash or some other item would be greatly appreciated. Not that I'll actually do it, but it would be sweet if I could do it and get away with it.

The questionnaire says that it's supposed to be sent back before the scheduled interview, but the sweetheart didn't give me a date when she sent me the questionnaire, which makes Girl86 go "wha?" Hope there's nothing srsly wrong and that this is an indication that they are legitimately interested in me enough to interview me (which needs to happen soon, I'm hesitant to throw away an offer for an unknown).

Another company under the same giant corporate letterhead is now looking at my resume (I like to hedge my bets), so hopefully I'll hear from them soon as well.

Applying to a couple of last shot places tomorrow (if I get my grade tomorrow, actually wrote an email harassing that prof for it).

Twitter is a sick addiction for me. I still think it serves no real purpose, except to save me time on looking at my fave gossip blogs. Really, it's little more than an rss feed on steroids. Like people really need to know what I'm doing every 10 mins, but I can't stop posting. :/

Speaking of social media, aside from privatizing the shit out of stuff keeping most of my stuff clean and covering my tracks with leaving no identifiable, easily google-able connections between who I really am and what I do uncensored on the web (Twitter is linked to my personal email account and this is linked to an account I set up just for this blog), I wonder how much future employers are going to dig. Anyone with 2 brain cells knows not to post vulgar pictures, super identifiable/personal info, and questionable content on the web that could lead to "egg on one's face," so why do they keep stressing it? It makes me think that every company has a shitload of tracers that track ip addresses and will pull up every single website you've ever visited, and every single thing you've ever done on the internet, just based on what contact info you have on your resume. Freakin' crazy.

I've got a late dinner that's growing cold and a movie to watch, so ponder the Big Brother-style probing by future employers and let me know what you think (am I morphing into a crazy conspiracy theorist?).

How sweet it is...

Got an offer for a judicial clerkship (they have a Wahoo's in this place so I won't die, <3 their ahi rice) today. Still waiting for my school to get their ish together to give me the thumbs up so I can beg this company for an interview for this summer job (better than the clerkship because I would have a free place to crash). At least the school knows what's up. I've got a week before I have to say yes or no, so thank God the other company is on West Coast time (more time, thanks to the time difference).

Back on the horse...

I've been absent because I've been busy with school. If you want any free time, don't go to law school.

In Entourage, the guys just roll up to Urth without buying anything first. In real life, they would be kicked off the premises (in accordance with company policy to rid their place of as many screenwriters as possible). It would be sweet if you could do that in real life.

My grades for the first semester sucked ass. So I cried and got over it. My grades are still good enough to keep me from being kicked out (still waiting on one, but I have a 2.2, 1 C-, 2 Cs, 1 B).

Unlike my slacker classmates, I've already applied for some summer jobs. Got a phone interview for one in 20 mins and am dealing with another in California (state law there requires school involvement and my school doesn't get that concept, so it's a bitch to convince them that they need to give an official thumbs up in order for the company to feel secure in interviewing me).

Doing another oral competition at the end of the month. It's hosted by the state bar, so it's more than just my school.

That's all for now. Over and out.