"I don't know what to do anymore. Except maybe die."

You never quite know when you're going to die. Even when you're 80 or terminally ill, death can be unexpected. Today is September 30, the 55th anniversary of James Dean's death. Yet, by the time he died, James had already finished filming 2 big studio movies that would go on to be wildly successful, and not just because he was in them, that year. I always thought that by the time I reached this day (being 24 on September 30), I would have done something notable, something that would leave an imprint on the world. Yet, I haven't. All I've managed to do was squander my parents' money on a useless undergrad degree and rack up a serious debt in student loans. Hell, I can't even seem to get a job for next summer or a date, and everyone else seems to be able to get one or the other, if not both, with relative ease. If I were to die right now, there'd be nothing to put into an obituary or to be said about me at my funeral. Kind of like Plato in "Rebel Without A Cause." Taking stock of one's own life is a funny thing because only you know what your hopes and dreams are and how successful your life really is. I know that I only have myself to blame for my own shortcomings and failures. From here on out, I've got to stop dreaming and start doing. I've got opportunities coming up where I can try to make something happen. Something's gonna give, and when it does, I'll be right there waiting. That way, when I do die, a part of me will live on...forever.

We are a reflection of where we've been.

Like it or not, we all have an opinion about so-called "hot button" political issues. If you think about it, all of your opinions stem from the experiences you've had. The more you see of the world, the more your political opinions change or solidify. I'm not just talking about seeing different countries. If you go to several different countries, but stay in luxury hotels, then all you know is which country has the best room service. What I'm really talking about is your world, the world you see when you step outside your front door. For example, you're more likely to be pro-legalization of marijuana if you enjoy blazing occasionally than someone who has had a loved one join MA (Marijuana Anonymous: http://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/), but if you've seen/dealt with both, you have a better perspective on things and develop a stronger argument as to why things should be one way and not the other way, yet the more significant experience will be the one to sway you one way or the other. Never apologize for having your opinions, so long as you can back them up. Usually, you have a reason for believing what you believe, and in my experience, once you tell others about it, they'll be more respectful of your opinion. Don't shut yourself off to their experiences, either, because you never know why people are on the other side of an issue, or why there's another side of an issue at all, until you listen to them. Takes all types to make the world go 'round.

Bugs and strangers

It's ridiculously humid here, so the mosquitoes and other such insects that have been lying low as of late are out in force. A great number of them seem to be attracted to the neon sign above my head, which they can't get to, thanks to a window. There's a guy on the other side of the window who happens to be sitting right under that swarm of bugs, but doesn't either seem to notice them or seem to care (perhaps he is too engrossed in his textbook). If I were him, I would immediately search for a new table to sit at. I'm assuming that there are not bugs in here because it is too cold in here for the bugs to appreciate, considering how much warmer it is outside.

I always wonder more about strangers than I should. It's an amusing past-time to come up with false backgrounds for people who I've never seen before. Honestly, though, sometimes you see people and you can't help but wonder about something that stands out about them. Why not satisfy your curiosity by answering that question yourself? Undoubtedly, you can come up with a more captivating answer than what would have been given to you by the stranger. Doing so may also decrease your amount of staring at strangers, which would give the rest of the world the illusion that you may have acquired manners at long last.

Right now, I'm listening to strange, accordion-focused music, which makes me feel as if I'm trapped in a Tim Burton film. If only that were true and Johnny Depp came walking through the door. Unfortunately, I'm still stuck in the same crap college town. It's all made worse by the facts that a) I'm dealing with a lingering cold/flu (meaning my body aches, my nose won't stop dripping, and I'm coughing up my lungs...or so it feels) and b) there was a Lights Over Paris show that I couldn't go to because of class and the venue had them play an early show because of its club night (the show is all ages, so they all need to be kicked out before the club night started). Not that I'm really a fan of Lights Over Paris (they're little better than Justin Bieber), but it'd be a chance to look at mildly attractive guys that I know in a sense. I say that because I know their type, the pay-to-players, as I like to call them. I knew that type pretty well when I was in LA. Regularly came into contact with them both on campus and in my social life. So, it would be a taste of the familiar, a taste of what I consider to be home. Instead, I'm here, listening to odd music and staring out at the odd Midwestern human landscape that's an accurate representation of this town. Woe is me.

Life is about the journey

Recently, I told someone to have a little faith. Life was getting him down, and nothing was turning out quite like he expected it. Everyone hits rough patches like that, but those rough patches can be great learning experiences. You struggle through them, and everything turns out okay in the end, but the catch is that you have to believe that things will work themselves out or you will become lost in the daily struggle and never see the end (or notice it when it comes around). Sometimes things work out better than what we initially wanted, for reasons that we can't explain. When that happens, you need to recognize it and enjoy it because you have been given a gift. Sometimes, things end worse than we wanted, but it's worse for a reason that you have yet to fully recognize and appreciate. If everything worked out exactly how we wanted it to, there would be no excitement or adventure in life. Where's the fun in knowing every plot twist before it happens? I'd rather have some shitty moments to throw me off the scent and be surprised with a happy ending, even if it's only happy compared to the shitty parts. Sometimes, you have to help fate out a little and put yourself in the right place at the right time. In other words, don't be afraid to take risks. "Fortune favors the bold." If you spend all day sitting in your room, staring at the wall, how can you expect to meet your soulmate or become the darling of the gossip blogs? Moral of the story: enjoy life as it comes, whether it's good or bad. Never stop believing that everything is happening as it should, for there are higher powers beyond our control that are orchestrating everything in one helluva fucked-up ballet.

Drinking leads to foolishness...and other things

This week has made me into a mess of emotions and being stuck in the middle of nowhere at the beginning of New York's S/S 2011 Fashion Week certainly didn't help. So, even though I swore that I was not going to drink this weekend, I found myself at 7:40 pm yesterday rushing to get ready for a night out with friends and acquaintances. The evening started out tame enough, with me nursing a single drink and nibbling on a few fries stolen from a friend while others had two or more drinks with dinner. We then ran into a former friend who has, for unknown reasons, decided to snub us this year (too bad he was there with only one friend who is not popular herself, which only made him seem like the ostracized party). With that awkwardness out of the way, it was time to go to a proper bar. During dinner, there were stories swapped about having trouble while being carded, so it was humorous when the i.d. checker asked me if I had a secondary i.d. on me, believing my driver's license was a fake. Being in the middle of nowhere, the alcohol was ridiculously cheap ($2 for any drink...literally any drink) and very strong...which meant that I got drunk. This led to me proceeding each noun with f*cking (i.e. f*cking rain, f*cking bacon) and sending off a really stupid email (though the response I got wasn't impressive either). I haven't gotten smashed like that in ages, and clearly for good reason. I suppose I should just be glad that I didn't end up in an ugly stranger's bed.

Anyways, tonight is FNO. Since there aren't any FNO activities going on in the entire state, I am consoling myself with chocolate and my favorite fashion movies, "The Devil Wears Prada" and "Funny Face." Going to New York for Thanksgiving Break, so I know that I'll be shopping in about 2.5 months. I'll actually be there for over a week, which is the longest that I've ever stayed in the city. Without any set itinerary, I'm looking forward to really experiencing the city.

Thank God I live in the modern era.

Tonight, I was able to talk to my brother for this first time since he was deployed 4 months ago. Up until now, the only way I knew he was still alive was from the occasional phone call that he'd make to my parents' house (which would be relayed to me at a later date) and the random Facebook update. Spent 20 mins or so on Facebook chat with him, which was wonderfully unexpected. To think that only a decade ago, such a thing would not be possible. Finally got a suggestion from him as to what to get him for Christmas, so I'll hold off until Thanksgiving to get it, when I'll be in a proper city with decent shopping. Stiff upper lip and all that now, even though I still fear for his safety. At least he's over half done with his deployment (3.5 months left) and I'll see him at Christmas.

Zen

The town I'm in now has a legitimate tea house. There's something soothing about the ritual of making a cup of tea. Forcing yourself to just sit and be as you wait for the timer to signal that the tea is done steeping, smelling the aroma of the tea as it first hits the bottom of the cup.

Between last night and this morning, I've done some reflecting and thinking about these past couple of weeks. People think that I may have been acting strange, but in reality, I've been slipping back into who I am at the core of my being. It becomes tiring to be what everyone else wants me to be. I now know that there's no point in appeasing others if I can't live for myself. It's self-actualization. That's why I've dyed my hair, had a one night stand, and got down on the dance floor. I'm not acting out, I'm just learning to breathe. Last year I tried too hard to acclimate to my surroundings, all because everyone else was and I was too afraid to not be a lemming. Don't be a lemming, or you'll miss out on life. I'm also a big believer in fate. Everything major in your life happens for a reason, so half the time, you're best off just going with the flow instead of trying to wedge yourself in where you don't fit. Who knows where I'll go or what I'll do, but I might as well enjoy the ride.