Bad Sex

It's been about a year since I had actual bad sex, but yesterday's encounter has left me scarred enough that I don't think that I'm going to be looking for a new sex partner anytime soon.

It all started on Tinder, which is the magical app that lets you be as shallow as you want without any repercussions (basically coming off as a shallow bitch that is just looking for another trophy notch).
So this guy (let's call him Mr. Merkin...you'll see why later) appears to be physically attractive in his photos, which were not "MySpace angles" (yes, I did just age myself there), and so I swiped right.  Well, we were matched up immediately, and within seconds he sends a really stupid opening that he must have copied verbatim out of a "How To Bang Jailbait" guide:

"Well so far I'm most interested in you and not going to just F-off and say stupid shit. Basically your attractive,seem sincere and look down to earth about expectations On what you want out of life. "

Uh, you just did say stupid shit by pretending to think all of that by a few pictures.  Nobody can tell that a person is "sincere" and "down to earth" just by seeing a few pictures of them that don't involve them doling out food to emaciated kids in Africa or chilling with Mother Teresa.  So let's apply a translation:

Seem sincere = you seem like you're clingy/pro-monogamy enough to be hitting me up for sex more than once after the first time

Look down to earth about expectations = you will go for a guy that is seriously ugly because you aren't that shallow so I will look hot compared to the other guys you've banged in the past, meaning that you will be grateful that someone as attractive as me is actually willing to get naked with you

On what you want out of life = you will understand that this is just casual sex and not want/expect/demand that I do anything for/to you but stick my penis into one of your orifices only when I feel like it

I decided to give Mr. Merkin the benefit of the doubt and go along with it because I wanted to find a new local sex partner and he did appear to be physically attractive.  We keep chatting and he says that he's a former pro BMX rider, which is kind of sexy (Googleable names are always sexy because they are extra bragging points), especially when I looked him up and realized that I must have seen him compete at the X Games when I was 13 (additional sexy factor for being someone that my young self thought was a totally enviable badass at the time).  At this point, I'm pretty much dtf, even though our conversation never actually veers toward sex and he keeps dropping lines like this:

"I want to meet you but am willing to be patient. I have a feeling about you that you're worth it."

And this:

"I like how Introspective you are and you're very detailed. I think that we will enjoy each other's company and  have great conversation."

Which, to be honest, seriously made me cringe.  Seriously, did Mr. Merkin think he was trying to seduce a "wait until marriage" virgin?

After about 32 hours of this, Mr. Merkin drops the act and essentially says that he's tired of pretending to be interested in the boring shit I've been droning on about, that he's proven by this point that he's not an asshole because he's put up with it for so long, and that I should hop in his penis asap to reward him for his good behavior.  Fuck you very much for wasting all this time before getting to the point and thinking that I'm a gullible bimbo that will fall for your obviously cheesy lines (I don't take it well when people assume that I don't have two brain cells to rub together just because I have spent so much time, money, and energy into becoming somewhat educated).  Normally I'd bail, but he backpedaled and said that he really was being sincere about everything else he said (says every wannabe player that crashes and burns on a regular basis).  Plus, I'm really making a concerted effort not to be as much of a jaded bitch as I have been for the past decade or so.

So then it's just whatever, I'm not opposed to getting it on eventually, but there was no way in hell I was just going to hop into bed with him.  And we're texting, but Mr. Merkin keeps pushing to meet up that night, despite the fact that I'm already in bed and half asleep.  I cave because I know that if I didn't, my phone would be inundated with texts from him (probably all of them conveying the same general angry message with lots of name-calling), and I need to have the volume up on my phone when I go to sleep because that serves as my alarm.  I told Mr. Merkin that there was no way in hell that he would be coming over to my place (I'm not going to give my address to a guy that is already waving red flags like he's a freakin' marching band dancer), but that I'd be cool with meeting in a neutral location.  Well, this pissed him off because he thought that I should just trust him.  Fuck that, it's a complete stranger from the internet, and I didn't want to be the first victim of the Tinder serial killer.  Once he calmed down (take a damn Xanax dude), Mr. Merkin agreed to meet me in a park within walking distance of my place (and across the street from a police station).

I show up before Mr. Merkin without any make-up on because I didn't give a shit about making an effort with my looks for an asshole that dragged me out of bed.  When he finally shows up about 15 minutes later, Mr. Merkin immediately starts shoving his tongue down my throat in an aggressive make out session.  My vagina overruled my mind and I just went along with it.  After a few minutes, Mr. Merkin suggested that we go to his car, and I agreed, though only to get out of the cold.  Once we sit down in his car, Mr. Merkin then showed me the "cool" feature of his Honda family car (I definitely felt my attraction level drop a little more when I saw that car), which was that all of the seats lay down completely flat.  Really smooth right then.  A cop car went rolling by, so we did have to move the car because nothing says fun like being arrested for indecent exposure in public.

Mr. Merkin then parked the car a few blocks away along one of the busier streets in the area, and then he proceeded to strip naked and told me to suck his penis.  I obliged, if only because it would make him very hard that much quicker.  He then began to instruct me on what to do, when to do it, and how to do it, and this was how it was for the rest of the evening.  It felt like a stage director telling an actor exactly how to play the scene rather than anything remotely sexy, which is weird coming from me because I love being somewhat submissive.  However, I learned at that moment that there's giving a gentle command because you're the dominant one in the situation, and just completely disconnecting from enjoying the experience to essentially instruct someone as if you're a teacher and someone is trying something for the first time on a dildo and you're helping them learn just what to do.  I finally get him off...      To Be Continued. ;)