Men, boys, and sex

I've got my one-night-stand under my skin. It's been three days and I'm still hoping to run into him, as opposed to daydreaming about cute guys that I see on a regular basis or hot male celebs, like I usually do. All I wanna do is put on a skanky/slutty outfit and sneak into his bedroom. Why is it that my ideal day right now would be spent locked in his bedroom? Took me a while to figure it out, but here's the answer: he was a man in the bedroom. He took control. All the guys that I've hooked up with before weren't like that. Either they were overeager to just score or they were nervous and hesitant, not knowing what to do, whether I'd be cool with it or not. With this guy, let's call him Z, it felt completely organic, like this is exactly how things were supposed to go down. He knew exactly what to do and really knew his way around a woman's body. I have a feeling that I'm just another notch in Z's bedpost, but that doesn't deter me from wanting to roll around in his sheets again. If every sexual experience could be like that, I can see how people get pussy/cockwhipped. So, maybe it's a good thing that it was just a one-night-stand. That way I'm not giving up my independence, even though I have that night/morning stuck in my head on repeat.

The grandiose disconnect of modern society

I had my first legitimate one night stand last night. It's surprisingly common, considering how one generation ago, such a thing would be borderline scandalous (though it did happen). Even with the hippies and their concept of free love, there was an understanding, to a certain extent, that the two parties would make some sort of effort to interact with one another in the not-too-distant future. Now, people think nothing of jumping into bed with someone that they barely know, someone that they have very little intention of ever seeing again.

Not that I'm slamming one night stands, in fact it's a nice change from the trouble of a relationship. No demands, no restrictions, just satisfying a craving, like eating your favorite food at a restaurant. Do you need it? No, but you want it and you're not stuck with surplus once you get your fill, like you would if you had bought all of the ingredients to make it. It also lets you be as fucking self-centered as you want because you don't have to care about the other person's feelings after the deed is done and you don't have to get to know them and pretend to care about them if you don't want to.

When no means get the hell away from me...

I went out to a local bar tonight hoping to meet up with some friends (a couple of them were still in class when I headed out) and see that cute guy I saw last weekend again. Neither happened for various reasons. I was only out for an hour, so that may have been a huge factor in neither one happening.

Why only an hour when the night is still young? It's because when certain people get drunk, they fail to comprehend that no means get the fuck away from me. I had brought a book with me in order to kill the time and to use as an excuse not to talk to guys that I was absolutely not interested in conversing with (after all, I wanted to make sure that I was free to hit on the cute guy if I saw him). That isn't to say that I'm a complete anti-social bitch. A couple of people asked me about what I was reading and I chatted with them a bit about the book and why I liked it. Then, a drunken asshole came over and asked me if I wanted to dance, while essentially pushing his crotch into my knee (I was sitting on a bar stool). I said no, with a look and tone that implied that I was not interested in talking to him. He wouldn't leave me alone, or give me any personal space. Not wanting to end up being sexually harassed and not having any friends around to protect me/help me get rid of the creeper, I left as quickly as possible. It was definitely a "Danger, Will Robinson!" moment.

Men out there, please remember to be respectful of a lady's personal space, even if you want to bang her. Also, if she says no, don't push the issue. Thank you.

So, yeah, no cute guy sighting, but I'll live, as I always seem to. Speaking of guys, I'm over that one crush I had. All it took was time and space, like it always does. As well as acceptance of fate. If it was meant to develop into something, then things would have happened differently than they did. But they didn't, and that's that. Upwards and onwards...or however that phrase goes.

One week down...how many more to go?

First week of classes this semester is over! This year is easier than first year, thus far, inasmuch that I can choose my own schedule and I know what the hell is going on in some of my classes (ex. Evidence). I know that I need to "look towards the future" this weekend, and I will. However, it's felt good to just sit on my ass and do nothing for the past hour and a half. This semester may just kill me (the dean of students thinks it will, but he still gave me the credit override), but I have faith that things will all shake out for the best.

The weather here's been shit. Either it's been wicked humid (drinkable air)/overcast and warm-ish or it's been sunny and barely reaching 70. With such a short time left to actually tan my legs and bolster the tan on the rest of my body before the onset of winter, I'm deeply disappointed with Mother Nature.

The ground water's already starting to chew up my hands. No matter how often I moisturize my hands, the skin on my hands is starting to get dry and flaky, totally gross. One would think that the dormitory room bathrooms would be hooked up to the city water supply, like the rest of campus is, but no. Of course not. Never mind that the ground water smells like rust from the iron that's in it and is really hard on the skin.

Life would be some much easier if I was as wealthy as Huguette Clark because I could live without ever having to incur debt, which is something I hate having to do. I wish she'd make me her heir. Sad thing is, I doubt she'd adopt me, seeing as I'm a law student and her second ex-husband was also a law student.

Back to the start...

Classes begin tomorrow. Oh joy.

I have mixed feelings about being back. There are plusses and minuses about everything in life. Good stuff right now: the view from my room (my window looks out into treetops right now, but come winter, when the leaves are gone, I'll have a view of the river), the eye candy (saw the most adorable blonde last night in a bar, I'll probably hit on him next time I see him), and friends (getting breakfast with one tomorrow before we go to a class that we're both in, automatic study buddy). Bad stuff: the time change, still haven't completely unpacked, the fucking humidity (don't get me wrong, I love summer storms and all, but it sucks when you don't even have a fan and the air is so thick that sleeping is out of the question), and being back in the middle of nowhere.

At least I haven't been eaten alive by mosquitos yet, but I've only been in town for 24 hours.

I feel like I'm hurtling towards something significant. A crazy turn in my future, a date with destiny. "Something's Coming" from West Side Story is the best way to describe how I've been feeling. The future is filled with promise.

Caveat emptor.

Some people just have to have drama in their lives, and some hate it but can't seem to escape it. This blog was primarily a way for me to escape some of that drama. I can't bottle up everything I want to say or I'd go crazy, but I also don't want everyone in my public life to know everything I'm thinking all of the time because it may offend some people. Yes, I did say "public life." Even though this is on the internet, the anonymity makes it far more private than if I were to go and gossip about someone behind their back. If you choose to read this, you're making a choice of your own free will. If I were to tell some of this stuff to people...well, you can't just automatically block out what you literally hear. Hence, caveat emptor. If you feel strongly that, say, Fifty Cent is the best person in the world, and you see that I have a blog about him, then you may be subject to reading about how I can't stand the guy because of his past criminal record. This is not a place for political correctness. If you want something that's p.c., I suggest you go talk to a politician. The funny thing is, the person who prompted this specific entry wants an actual retraction in this blog. Problem with that is I would then have to name names, and having that out there means it'd be searchable and what would people think if they could find that person's name in that context? Really, it'd do more harm than good. Next time, that person should actually think things through before spouting off, but people rarely think about the full ramifications of their actions, which usually means that they end up worse than what they started off with.

Silly drama...all it's good for is cheap entertainment.

Anyways, I'm back home, which feels damn good, if I do say so myself. Plus, I just realized that a massive music festival is going on next weekend while I'm around (one that I had to miss last year because of law school orientation). Felt like I was going to die on the regional jets last night, but saw the most amazing sunset as the plane was landing at my layover spot.

Stupid shit that I just can't shake...

Arguments via message don't really have the same effect as arguments in person, or even over the phone.

Ever heard of "girls and guys can't just be friends"? With some people, that statement is true. I let a friendship become more than just platonic friends not too long ago, and now it's this awful cycle of arguments over the internet. We've known each other for a long time and he's had a thing for me for almost as long. I kind of had a thing for him, too, so we got, uh, intimate and I realized what a mistake it would be to actually be in a relationship with the guy. I don't really want to lose him as a friend, but he's convinced that we'd be perfect together (join the club of guys who think I'm their soulmate, buddy). He's got this ugly, distrustful side, so he doesn't believe me when I say that I'm still single (the moment I date someone other than him, he will refuse to have anything to do with me, or so he claims). Another problem is that he wants me to open up far more than I'm comfortable doing. I am a private person in the real world, and there's a lot of things in my personal life and in my past that I doubt I'll share with anyone. He says that gives him an excuse not to trust me because I obviously can't trust him. I wish I could just ignore him permanently, but I can't just ignore the fact that we've been friends for some time now. Instead, I suffer through argumentative messages being sent to me on a regular basis. One of these days, though, preserving the shared past won't be worth the price.

Onward and upward

I'm glad that I'm a realist. Told the musical soulmate dick that I'd see him never because, let's face it, that's the likelihood. Around him I might as well be a gay guy, so there's no serious incentive to pursue him, and we never really hung out or were friends, so there's no point in trying to have a legitimate friendship with him. Plus, there's the whole issue of picking on him excessively. I feel bad about it, I really do, but he's an easy target and I just can't help myself, so that automatically makes me not want to really be his friend because friends don't treat each other the way I've treated him. Instead, I'll listen to "Girl All The Bad Guys Want" by Bowling For Soup a dozen times and get over my mushy feelings for him. It's better this way.

Oh shit...

Bad news, very bad news, very very very bad news. Yep, musical soulmate. All I feel like doing is listening to pop songs about unrequited crushes. It's pretty clear that we are strictly in the friend zone. I haven't had a legitimate crush in a long time, especially a crush where I know the guy on a personal level and the guy basically sees me as a genderless creature (the only other one was a guy during my freshman year of high school, he was a senior and in the same crew/rowing boat as my oldest brother, soI was just someone's kid sister to him even though he was friendly to me...one of the few older guys who acknowledged my presence). Since I'm so convinced that this is in the friend zone, I'm too afraid of rejection to make a move. Suffering in silence sucks ass to say the least.

"Then I see you walking across the campus..."

I'm at The Book End in Boulder, Colorado at the moment, working on something for my clerkship. "Campus" by Vampire Weekend is playing over the speaker system and the song always makes me think of college towns like this one and the town where I go to law school. It's all so perfectly cliché and charming in an unexpected kind of kismet way. I feel like I'm in a scene of some cheesy college film that's churned out for the masses at low cost by a major Hollywood studio. Any second now, Amanda Bynes will come strolling in, all starry-eyed over the cute frat boy she met at a poetry reading last night that he had to attend for his English 101 class. Why the heck am I in Boulder? I couldn't come to Colorado and not live with myself if I didn't come here, all thanks to my deep love of the Larry books (read The Gospel According To Larry asap if you haven't already, swear it'll change your life). One of these days I'll pare down my personal belongings to 27 items, I promise. It's a charming town and I can see the appeal for young people. I head back tonight, catching a ride with the dick I created a playlist for. I half-hope that he hates almost all of the music on my list just so I can continue to hate him, but at the same time I want him to like all of it because then my skill at matching people to music (reading their musical "personalities") will remain unparalleled. Leaving for home Wednesday night, so a chapter of my life will be closing soon and a new chapter will be beginning. Back to the nasty drudgery that is known as work.